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On Cottonelle Wipes, Lactose Intolerance, Discriminatory Deism, and Corporate Mergers

You know how I know God doesn’t care about black people? Pizza. You wanna know the second reason? The fact that the toilet paper in the men’s room is made of literal sandpaper. Dear [REDACTED], the next time you acquire a company that I am employed at, please include Lactaid and Cottonelle wipes as part of your benefits. 

Yes, Cottonelle wipes. Because if you wipe your ass when there’s something better out there, you are a true fool.

I’ve heard dudes shame other dudes for using wipes instead of toilet paper… But they never explain how it is more masculine to scrape toilet paper against their assholes until it bleeds. 

“Bro, you use wipes? FUCKIN WIMP.”

Jesus Fucking Christ. I hate this hypothetical amalgam of people that I’ve made up. I hate hate hate. 

JUST WIPE YOUR ASS WITH SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T HURT AND ALSO DOES THE FUCKING JOB. I DONT EVEN WHAT TO KNOW WHAT THE BACK OF YOUR ASS LOOKS LIKE BRO.

People are so stupid. Wipes should be THE OPTION. I don’t brush my teeth with dry razor blades. I don’t… Ugh. 
I have an anger problem.

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