You know… when I REALLY drank, I was blackout/brownout drunk a bunch. Here’s a list of some the worst things I’ve done while blackout/brownout/or shitcanned.
1. 2009: Spray painted my Doc Marten’s gold.
2. 2008-10: Worn bell bottoms.
3. 2010: Painted a neon cross on my chest at a blacklight soccer party and stood in a Superman pose in silence.
4. 2008-13: Vomited on myself/things.
5. 2009: Went to a party in Brooklyn, and then somehow woke up at home on the living room floor under a blanket, in a pair of purple briefs, with my face in a pile of chicken nuggets.
6. 2009: Eaten dust (pics)
7. 2010: Got roofied while already drunk, ran away from a cop while wearing cowboy boots, climbed a tree, tried to convince Res Life that I was a Haitian man born in 1929 — ultimately losing the RA position I got that semester.
8. 2009: Fainted gracefully in front of a college crush. Then vomited.
9. 2009: Once pregamed with Devil’s Springs. Fell asleep in my room while wearing boots.
10. 2013: Fell asleep on the couch at a sorority house.
11. 2015: Actually, by this time I perfected the art. Went out with my friend Cargile, and managed to seem sober. Apparently I was very outgoing. I have NO recollection of this. I have a few flickers in my mind of talking with people about black people shit, but that’s it.
12. 2009: Made out with 3 people I did not know in the dark. 85% sure that they were all cis-women, which was my canonical preference at the time. Actually, I kind of remember this. I’m legit not sure who was who, but not certain I care. None of them were Republican, and that’s what really counts.
13. 2009: Once I was in a girl’s room and we were sitting kind of close. My head was in her lap, we were talking about social justice, “dating”, and we were watching Eternal Sunshine. I read it as a somewhat intimate scenario, but was not sure so I asked in the most blunt and awkward fashion: “DO YOU WANT TO KISS ON MY FACE/DO YOU WANT ME TO KISS ON YOUR FACE/IT IS OKAY IF WE KISS FACES?”
She did not want to kiss on my face, nor did she want me to kiss on her face. So we did not kiss faces. I apologized for asking, we watched a little more before turning it off and making a mutual escape from the weirdness that transpired. A few months later we chatted about the shit, and had a laugh about how drunk we were and how awkward I am.
14. 2009: Spoke in an English accent and sung Hair in the hallways before having one of my friends at the time spoon me to sleep.
I did a bunch of other shit… but… for as many times as I’ve been fucked up…alcohol, drugs, you named it…. none of it made me do anything to violate the agency of another person.