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musings: Immortality and 2002’s “Hero”

UHAND THUY SCHEY THEAT UH HEEEEEEEERO CAN SHAAAAYYVE UHS. UHM NAHGONNA STAN HERE AN WHAGHEIGHT. – Chad Kroeger.

I. The Immortal Recalls.

Anyone else haunted by a childhood that feels entirely too recent?

Did a scene in an improv show where I played a kid who broke a music box, and I started to recall one of my earliest memories of being three years old and throwing a ball up at a chandelier and breaking it.

The ball was blue and had a sky design. The glass from the chandelier was milky white. The glass fell down in my wake, and the ball popped. My mom had to tell me what happened. That was probably one of the first days I recognized my power to destroy. It was a dark moment. Both the ball and the glass. Utterly ruined. The ball could not destroy the chandelier without destroying itself. And I set it all in motion. I was the untapped tapper. The finger on the domino. The vestibule was the machine and I was god. My life’s purpose was to be a silent witness in the creation and death of all things. I remember peeing in my diaper without a second though. Not because I could not hold it, but because I knew in that moment that I had always been alive, that I was immortal, and that a pee pee diaper did not matter to the silent gods who beckoned me into this paper thin tier of existence.

But back to the show. It was very fun. Although a fraction of my brain, about 7.85% was concentrated on this dark subroutine…recovering the lost shadows, horrors, and twisted corners of my evaporating youth.

II. The Immortal Waits.

I recalled a time in my most recent and final true childhood. I had been living under my current identity for quite sometime and had found some parents to stay with for a few years.

In the year 2002, the best year of humanity, my favorite movie was Spider-Man, and my favorite song was “Hero.”

Won’t lie. I still listen to this awful song and feel 11* again. Fourteen years ago I was losing my shit about this bad, bad, embarrassing song.

Dear reader, I will remind you, as I always will, that I was homeschooled. So my days had a pattern. Here are some of the highlights.

  1. Get up, brush teeth & microwave some eggs/breakfast or ask Nanny to turn on the stove so that I could cook.
  2. Put on my favorite Green Lantern shirt.
  3. Put on my favorite cargo pants.
  4. Read books & write.
  5. Make lunch.
  6. Grocery store to get mom a snickers, an ice pop, and a Seltzer.
  7. Sneak into my brothers room. Play with their toys and read their comics.
  8. Depress myself with episodes of Supermarket Sweep or reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, the saddest show ever. Or make dinner with Mom and talk about my day.
  9. Watch Smallville.
  10. Wait for my Dad to get home and then talk his ear off about what happened on Smallville.
  11. Watch late night TV.

Then after late night was my favorite part of the day:

  1. Go to bed.
  2. Say a prayer. Bless my family. Ask for God world peace. Ask God for money if I’m good. Ask God for a good life. Ask God for forgiveness for my sins. Ask God for superpowers. Ask God for better control over superpowers.
  3. Go to bed and think about what it will be like to be around other people once I go to high school and play out how my life will go. What dates will I go on? What will I eat on those dates? What will my date eat? What will be share? What amusement parks will we go to? Will we get married before we have sex after college? Yuck, sex. Will I fight crime when we move out of Bushwick? When will I get to practice fighting on rooftops? Karate? When will I save enough for afford a part time life as a boy vigilante? Thats got to be at least $15,000. I could make that in a summer I think. I’ll just get a job and collect bottles in my spare time. Will Nia (my sister) also be into fighting crime? Will there be a day where a bad guy tries to kill her? And I have to avenge my ward’s almost death? Will my brothers also be vigilantes? But with guns? But I won’t  use guns because I’m trained with blades and hand to hand? When will Mom let me on the roof so I can practice? Will our backyard have enough space to hide my underground vigilante clubhouse? Will they have web-shooters in 2010 at the latest?
  4. Listen to the radio. K-Rock. Z100. Lite FM. Listen out for the only song I want to hear: “Hero”.

Then I would imagine myself jumping around Brooklyn, rooftop to rooftop, as an amazing teenage boy, with all of the power and crippling angst of my favorite heroes Spider-Man and Clark Kent.

In years to come the songs would change and the fantasy of adolescence would evolve, and it would go on very much like this for some time.

But I listen to this terrible song to remind of what I really am. This is how I remind me of what I really am.

Life is long. Now I am an “adult.”

 

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