Arts & Entertainment

Late Night Thoughts: 50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey was probably on of the most rape-y movies I have ever seen that people are okay with.

I have not read the books, but I am confident now that I probably never will. I’m no *expert** on BDSM, but there was something about the power dynamics in  this film that felt like a predatory and warped depiction of a BDSM relationship.

I mean. It’s a fetish, right? So, maybe that was the point? I just honestly wish I could tell the difference between Jamie Dornan’s “sex face” and Jamie Dornan’s “I’ll murder you and everyone you love and masturbate over your corpse while wearing your face” face.

See? I find this character deeply unsettling.

Did you fart?

I’m not even going to talk about how cliched the characters were or how terrible the dialogue was. (That script was god awful, tho.)

I won’t go into how phoned-in the performances were or how the chemistry between the two leads felt like watching two high school drama nerds who hated each other play Romeo & Juliet.

“Dude, you just eat a hot dog?”

I won’t even talk about the missed opportunity to make something watchable in a “so bad it’s good” sort of way.

It’s just bad because it’s bad. Beyond the constant weird game of Twilight-esque romanti-sexual redlight/greenlight, it’s a bad movie because I have no clue what any of the characters’ motivations are. The supporting characters are all drones; they function as a kind of garnish for the main characters who are really just…super weird and way into their relationship in a gross co-dependent way. It’s not fun to watch.

Like what the fuck does Ana even want out of life? What is the goal here? I’m done talking about this movie. I’ll bring it up when I inevitably see the sequel (alone of course).

The only good thing to come out of this movie is that soundtrack though. It’s perfect doin’ it music. I hope the sequel has some Tinashe, tho. Seriously. If you can’t get it up, listen to this shit. And if your man isn’t doin’ it for you, dump him and listen to some Tinashe alone, girl.

*I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the subculture. In fact, I think when it comes to kinks, you do you. I’m not going to talk too much about my own experiences here in case my Mom is reading this.*

**JK, I’m an expert. Sorry family.

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