Magical Negro Privilege

The best part of being black is definitely the immortality.

I mean, unless I’m caught doing something illegal, I will be going to all of your funerals, white friends. And if you are very good, I will confirm that you “weren’t racist” in a little song.

If you are a racist, even a little bit, I will probably be stealing your bones for a ritual I’ve perfected where I bind your soul to a pie and consume your essence. As a licensed witchdoctor, I made a vow to poop out my enemies. So far I’ve pooped 7 people and I’ve mildly hexed 4 people.

I’m not saying that you should fear me because I’m a witch doctor. I’m not even saying you should fear me. I’m just saying black don’t crack and if you don’t want to be remembered as a racist piece of shit, you should probably be a good person, because I will most certainly outlive every single one of you. (Immortality.) I will know your grandkids. I will grant some of them wishes. And I may even tell a few that they are wizards.

Ask any of your black friends. We all have a closet filled with vials of your tears. Don’t be a dick and make us collect your bones. 

On the real, it’s tough to be black in America with this knowledge. I’m 73 years old guys. I’m just so tired and so scared of what the future holds. Will I still be around when the sun starts to supernova? No one knows what this endless life means.

But I will be there when all of you are too weak get up and poop. And I will make a point to wipe all of your butts at least once to remind you of my fearful everlasting life as an undying impossible pixie-like immortal black man-creature.

You will all be bound by the chains you forge in life. Don’t be a dick. 


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