Life, Reality

When Your Boss Vacations

I know a guy or girl who knows a guy or girl who has a job at a place where he or she isn’t the BIGGEST fan of his/her boss. And really, who is these days? It’s not that he/she thinks that their boss is a bad person, because from what I understand, this boss character is harmless. A far cry from the old testament bosses that most of our peers deal with.

But still, there is a problem with this boss character. I listened well to my friend talk about their friend, and it seems to me that this person isn’t getting the best value out of this relationship. Now if it was me–and I’m not saying that it is–but if it was me, I would determine the value of the relationship based on the level of education that is or is not happening. Basically, I don’t care if you’re a dickhead who smells like hot dog water whose forehead is constantly oozing pus–if you can teach me, and help me add value to my career, we don’t actually have a problem. You can learn a lot from the devil.

But sometimes you don’t get the devil. Sometimes you get a really boring babysitter. The kind of sitter who doesn’t discipline, because they aren’t paying attention. Before you know it you’re sneaking sips from the liquor cabinet and stealing jewelry with your friends and wearing those racy haltertops your mom keeps saying “are only for grown girls” but you just don’t care because you were watching VH1 Divas and Gwen Stefani, who is about your size, wore one and did not look slutty. And now you’re half-naked, 23, coked up and drunk on a dance floor grinding with some awkward boy you don’t EVEN know (me) wondering how the hell everything got so dangerous so fast. How did your life fall to pieces so fast? Why did you assault those Girl Scouts after that senior formal? Why did you toilet paper that house that Halloween? Why did you kill that flight attendant? Why are you now barefoot tap dancing on broken glass to South African dubstep remixes of t.A.t.u.? Why are you laughing as you splash puddles of your own foot blood on your white dress? When did the end of your life begin?

It began when that babysitter didn’t stop you from sneaking a sip of that vodka. And the babysitter is my metaphor for a boss with a lackadaisical approach to management. So your tragic fate is really in your boss’s hands. Even though you should really lame yourself for fucking up so bad you goddamn worthless millennial. Luckily for my friend of a friend, their boss will be out of town for an extended period of time. Without further adieu, here are a few tips on what to do when your boss leaves town:

1. Do all of your bosses work. Do it better, and do it quickly. Justify your vitriol by bringing results and being able to measure them. This will make you look better than them in the long run. This is literally the only thing you need to do on this list.
2. When you finish all of his work that he pretends to do, check Facebook. But don’t, like, LIVE on it, because then you’re going to get used to having a bad habit when they get back, and you don’t want that shit.
3. Instead of drinking at work at 4:00pm everyday to cope with the soul-crushing might of how fast your life is passing you by, start drinking at like 3:00pm. Your crippling alcoholism will be more entertaining at an earlier hour when people are still paying attention to what’s going on around them.
4. Steal all of his tissues but leave the box.
5. Become more regular. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t let “working hard” become an excuse to not be making regular doodoos. If you were hungover on a Friday, nothing would stop you. Remember: Treat every day as if you were hungover on a Friday.
6. Go on G-chat and talk shit about your friends. Then talk shit to someone else about the person you just talked to. Then wonder if someone is doing the same thing to you. Then contemplate why anyone wants to be your friend anyway, you’re like a nightmare person–a sociopath.
7. If you are NOT a sociopath, continue to wonder why your friends are your friends.
8. Just Relaaaaaaaax.
9. But no, seriously, if you’re unhappy apply like crazy to other place, just cause man. As my Grandma used to say “You have to go along to get along.” I can use that statement in a variety of contexts, because it’s right in every context. My Grandmas were awesome. If you disagree, feel free to email me a place where I can kick your teeth in.
10. If your boss is actually away and you are looking on the Internet for real advice on what to do, you should probably check out Forbes. But again the answers aren’t on the Internet man. You need to use the time you have to ask bigger questions. Bigger and better answers are “out there,” not “in here.”

Idiot.

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