It’s been a minute since I’ve written. I’m rusty as fuck, and I’ve been through so much shit that I honestly don’t know what my voice is anymore. Or what I want to write. Or how I want to be seen. Or how commas work. Real talk. I can’t even write a good email.
But I guess you’re reading this shit, so who gives a fuck?
I’m not editing this by the way.
So long story short, I loved a person. Let’s call her “Tina” –that’s always my first go-to girl name. We were friends, then we were like… a package deal pretty instantly. In a way I don’t think either of us were prepared for. When I look back… it’s like mythical shit, and I can’t believe it happened. This is beyond that “other half” shit. This was meeting someone that grew out of me, like one of them Cronenberg movies. Like that “atom-penetrating,” “molecule-fusing” shit.
Tina was the other thing in the teleportation machine I got fused with. This was like a cosmic rom-com “When Time Meets Space” or some shit… basically that other thing in the universe that makes you go “how the fuck did I even make sense before you got here?” I think the best fandom thing I could think of is the concept of “the drift” in Pacific Rim. I love that movie because it’s a big dumb robot movie that totally nails what it means to love someone. You get in their head, in their memories, feel their pain… and you just fuckin’ walk with them. And you witness them. Just that they are here. And you do your best to just pay attention to them.
I met Tina, and honestly, Day ONE I was like… “here is a pretty girl like many pretty girls I will meet in life. But this is one that I am attracted to. I am attracted to this pretty girl and for some reason, it is enough for me to just share comics with this person and watch them eat handfuls of almonds. I just want THIS person to be okay, and I want to be here for them.”
And that folks, is love that is unconditional. Love that is free. Love that is rare. Love that makes a child (which is what I was when I met Tina) into a real nigga.
Now we dated for two years and met each others’ deep darkies, and eventually that complicated shit to the point where we became unstable and dumb… looking for ways out while we were looking for ways in… just like… real dumb shit. And we broke up 3 times. She will say 2. I will say 3. It’s a really fun disagreement.
The last 2 times were after we lived together and boy-oh-fuckin’ boy, was it a kick in the ovaries. I was messy and ugly and horrible and hard. Because here was a person who started off as a pretty girl I wanted to hang with. I just wanted to be her guy and we both mutated into each others’ everything. It’s that weird thing that happened when you start to love a person from every angle of their identity. This woman was my girlfriend, wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, aunt, best friend, enemy, bully, abuelo, little brother, tio, teacher, fan club, fandom, my God, my cathedral… you get it?
That’s some Silver Surfer shit. But we had to walk away from it as it was. She called it and I left. I’ve been sleeping on mostly “friends” couches AKA mostly my parents (to my privileged AF shame).
But in that time that we got out of each other’s way, I got to see the universe open back up to the both of us the way it did when we met. You forget shit when you cling to someone’s face for a few years. There’s like other shit, other people, other opportunities that you’ve EMPOWERED each other to have.
The Cronenberg Monster has split, but I still catch Tina out there in the world, with pieces of me she got in the surgery. We were split in half with a long slow saw. That’s the funny horror of loving a person. You lose pieces of yourself and start to notice the parts of you that come from other people.
I shit you not, I brush my teeth every night SOME OF THE TIME because that’s a thing I NEVER did before I met her. It’s like brushing my teeth with someone else’s hands.– I’m like “why the fuck am I doing this? I belong to the dirt.” Or “why the fuck do I talk about astrology with people? What even is ‘Mercury in Retrograde?’”
Honestly, I just stay learning from these people who loved me. I am very much a man made of metal, but fuck if this person didn’t get me to believe in something out there that is bigger than me, that I won’t understand as easy as I would the natural laws that bind the world together. Maybe there are forces in the universe with more answers and questions than my beloved internet. My machines. My little “Shalla-Bals.”*
I still love Tina as much as I did when we were together. But it’s different. Easier now. Have you seen the end of Hancock? It’s like that. That is where we learned to love. That’s where we got our fuck ups out. Thank god we met to feel this rare and real thing. Thank god we were together. Thank god we broke up. Thank god we are still friends. Thank god you are here.
I could end this shit real dignified with a quote about how “there should be stars for great wars like ours” or some shit about how “we taught each other to be better, and to love harder,” but I’m tired and I don’t know which shitty pop culture reference I want to make: Gwen Stefani or Riverdale? Riverdale.
I know we broke up, but you still gotta catch up.
PS – Dear Reader, I’m a musical ho so here’s some songs.
Frank Ocean – Moon River, Wise Man
Gwen Stefani – Cool, Simple Kind of Life
Twin Shadow – When The Movie’s Over
*A Shalla-Bal is a word I’ve used ONLY to myself until now for a person or object that I love. Like my phone or a loved one or a doughnut.